by Kate Schulman
By: Jan
Ottinger
I've sat down
and hurriedly ordered us both Mo Goo Gai. Ms. Romaine does not like to
wait. All of sudden, she appears; like a burst of light. Like the mother of
Jesus herself, Ms. Romaine waltzes into P.F. Chang's like she owns the place,
and it almost seems as if she does. Her black habit, sitting firm and stiff
atop her head, contrasts with the restaurant’s high energy and family values as
she strides through, nearly crashing into a waiter holding six plates of spare
ribs. The customers dare to get a peek at her. They’re afraid. And they like
it.
JAN: Before we start, I just wanted to say thank
you for taking the time to sit with me, Ms. Romaine.
SHEILA: [smoking a cigarette] My pleasure. Now whom do I have to repent
to in order to obtain an ashtray around here?
JAN: [laughing] Oh, they did say you had a great sense of humor, Ms.
Romaine! I bet you have a lot of good nun jokes.
SHEILA: Yeah, I do! And I am not going to waste nun on you! [Bursts into laughter, eats cigarette]
JAN: [Wiping eyes] Oh, Ms. Romaine––
SHEILA: Please, call me Sheila.
JAN: Oh, Sheila. You are probably the most interesting nun we’ve ever
interviewed, and we’ve hardly even started.
SHEILA: Well, it’s my pleasure to please the masses.
JAN: Speaking of masses––you’ve been named Nassau County’s best nun for seven years in a row. I mean, what’s
that like?
SHEILA: Well, I’ll tell you: it isn’t easy. Between conducting mass for
the deaf in Bethpage to teaching Sunday school to unruly little Catholic boys
in Massapequa, I have had hardly any time to work on my book. It isn’t easy
being a traveling nun. [Starts to put ice cubes in her habit]
JAN: Oh, a book? Please, do tell us more.
SHEILA: Well, if you must
know, I am publishing a book called Nunnery
Business, a play on the phrase, “none of your business.” It is about a
group of nuns who start a cupcake bakery in Syosset. I’m expecting to release
it later this year, or whenever I finish building my hutch for my outdoor
animals.
JAN: I have heard that you
love to do D.I.Y activities when you’re not baptizing and preaching. What do
the other nuns think of you performing these tasks? Do they consider it to be
unholy?
SHEILA: You know…[sighs]…I’ve learned over time to forgive. Forgive and
forget. Or as Lauren Conrad once said, “I’m going to forgive you, and I’m going
to forget you.” So I don’t let it bother me much.
JAN: Ah, so it seems the other nuns aren’t so keen on you participating
in these sorts of activities.
SHEILA: Nah. There’s a lot of bending involved, and that’s considered
unholy. I’ve been as straight as a board for forty-three years. If you know
what I mean.
JAN: What exactly do you mean?
SHEILA: Well...I’ve had to visit my physical therapist, Dr. Puglisi, on
more than one occasion after making my niece a bunk bed.
JAN: [a relieved look crosses her face] Oh. Okay. Yeah, that’s what I
thought you meant.
SHEILA: From bending after so long of not––
JAN: Yeah, I got what you meant.
SHEILA: I also once gave a man a couple of ecstasy tablets on the Throgs
Neck, but I won’t tell if you don’t!
Shortly after
Ms. Romaine’s shocking announcement, The Mo Goo Gai has arrived. Our eyes
darted to the plates filled with Goo-goodness. We both cried tears of joy, and
Sheila took off her habit, whirled it around like a lasso, and began dumping
pounds of Mo Goo Gai into it. Still piping hot, she dumped all of it into the
black abyss, still damp from the ice cube incident. Laughing maniacally, she
ran out of P.F. Changs, shouting about a park in Jericho that needed cleaning
up. A beautiful lady, customers cried as Sheila left, bowing as she crashed
through the glass window. But you needn’t worry, dear reader; she merely
tumbled out onto the asphalt, rolled under a 1999 Toyota White Expedition, and
into the road upon where she was met by the Nun Bus which took her away and
back to the congregation.
Until next
time my dear readers,
Jan Ottinger
xoxoxo
Editor in
Chief of Mega Nun Magazine
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